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Skinny Jeans Suck: A Letter to the Junior’s Department

Skinny Jeans Suck: A Letter to the Junior’s Department

Hello Lover,

I’m writing out of a sense of desperation; in hopes we might fix what’s so clearly broken between us. For the past few years, it has felt like I’m the only one trying to make this relationship work. We used to be so close! You had everything I needed, and more. Then one day I woke up and you were all about young skinny girls that could literally be my daughter.

Do you have any idea how that makes me feel??

What happened to us? You used to be so much more forgiving and comfortable around me. It was like the two of us against the world. Now it’s like you’re going out of your way to embarrass and shock me. My ass crack is private. At no point do I ever wish to advertise it to complete strangers.

No one wants to see that shit, okay? juliemaida skinny jeans suck a letter to the juniors departmentI know I’m not as young, skinny, or adorable as I was when we first met. Maybe that’s the problem? I don’t know. I just think it’s really selfish of you to change so much without taking my feelings into consideration. You’re straight-up pushing me into the arms of the “Womens’ Department,” as if we’re both unaware that is where Waistlines and Sexy go to die. I may not use my vagina as much as I used to, but I’d still like to keep the option open.

I’m not ready to start tucking my pants under my armpits, and I have no desire to swoon over turtlenecks and scarves. I can’t subscribe to “mom jeans,” and it’s unfair to ask me to choose between looking like I’m trying too hard or not at all.

Seriously, skinny jeans and JEGGINGS?!? What in the blazing shitballs of Hell? You’re killing me. What kind of monster marries leggings and jeans? I barely have time to pour myself into jeans that don’t hug my body like a sausage wrapper. Oh and sidebar: Offering “skinny” jeans and not “fat” jeans seems extraordinarily sizeist to me. That shit’s illegal. Watch yourself.

Anyway, I really hope we can work this out without resorting to legal action. I don’t want to hurt you. I just want you to respect me and the disturbingly freakish-like contortions of my aging body.


I’m not willing to give up on us just yet, but I’m gonna need you to throw me a bone here. Okay?

Shut up. I still love you.




21 thoughts on “Skinny Jeans Suck: A Letter to the Junior’s Department

  1. I don't even know if I should comment but I love skinny jeans and jeggings..then again I'm 22. If you wanna beat ne up I'm here caz of Lizzi. Beat her too

  2. Amen, sister! The only people who look good in those things are 9 year old boys. And that's just plain wrong.

  3. The clothes are getting smaller and brighter by the second. It's frightening. What's with the "shorts" that go up to their waist bu still show the cheeks? Not cool.
    I had my "aha I'm not a junior moment" a couple years ago when I found myself appalled at the level of see-through-ness in forever 21. And I'm not even a prude! Just not as fit and young as I once was. *tear*

  4. Skinnies will be over any minute now. For sure. Just wait… and … now? Not quite yet, huh? How bout… nope. (Whistles). Maybe give it two or three more minutes? Right. So. We're waiting.

    Well, this is awkward.

  5. My body fits in lands end – but my mind wishes it were Banana Republic, J Crew, or anywhere else where there is actual fashion that does not involve so much elastic. Sigh.

  6. Thank you!! I wish there was a Jr. Ladies section. The look of Jr.s but our size.

  7. Starr, there's only one other thing that might be as gross as seeing my butt crack hanging out of my jeans, and that's a thong…

  8. Thanks for the tip! I'll check it out. 🙂

  9. Thanks Blair! I'm glad you enjoyed it!! 🙂

  10. LMAO! You can't make skinny jeans and not fat ones. Love you! Try the Gap…they might be a little more expensive but not designer expensive and they last long like through an ice age long. I have a couple pairs that are my go to jeans that I've had for longer than I will EVER admit.

  11. If you wear a thong, people will see that instead of your ass crack. You're welcome.

  12. I agree. Yoga pants are for yoga… it's just totally confusing for people because they named them yoga pants. Jeggings though…are like yoga pants made of stretchy denim… It's like against nature.

  13. Why are jeggings the crumbs of the earth, but yoga pants are manna from heaven? They seem like they're such close cousins. Some mysteries are best left unsolved.

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