Skinny Jeans Suck: A Letter to the Junior’s Department
I’m writing out of a sense of desperation; in hopes we might fix what’s so clearly broken between us. For the past few years, it has felt like I’m the only one trying to make this relationship work. We used to be so close! You had everything I needed, and more. Then one day I woke up and you were all about young skinny girls that could literally be my daughter.
Do you have any idea how that makes me feel??
What happened to us? You used to be so much more forgiving and comfortable around me. It was like the two of us against the world. Now it’s like you’re going out of your way to embarrass and shock me. My ass crack is private. At no point do I ever wish to advertise it to complete strangers.
No one wants to see that shit, okay? I know I’m not as young, skinny, or adorable as I was when we first met. Maybe that’s the problem? I don’t know. I just think it’s really selfish of you to change so much without taking my feelings into consideration. You’re straight-up pushing me into the arms of the “Womens’ Department,” as if we’re both unaware that is where Waistlines and Sexy go to die. I may not use my vagina as much as I used to, but I’d still like to keep the option open.
I’m not ready to start tucking my pants under my armpits, and I have no desire to swoon over turtlenecks and scarves. I can’t subscribe to “mom jeans,” and it’s unfair to ask me to choose between looking like I’m trying too hard or not at all.
Seriously, skinny jeans and JEGGINGS?!? What in the blazing shitballs of Hell? You’re killing me. What kind of monster marries leggings and jeans? I barely have time to pour myself into jeans that don’t hug my body like a sausage wrapper. Oh and sidebar: Offering “skinny” jeans and not “fat” jeans seems extraordinarily sizeist to me. That shit’s illegal. Watch yourself.
Anyway, I really hope we can work this out without resorting to legal action. I don’t want to hurt you. I just want you to respect me and the disturbingly freakish-like contortions of my aging body.
I’m not willing to give up on us just yet, but I’m gonna need you to throw me a bone here. Okay?
Shut up. I still love you.