Don’t Let Silly Ol’ Sobriety Ruin Your Tropical Vacation
I woke up with bricks in my head this morning, and I started to worry Depression had crept in during the night to throw me a surprise party. I wondered if I’d perhaps skipped a dose of meds or something. I scoured my brain for a possibly triggering or emotionally complicated incident that could have me reeling, but came up short.
Once I had time to process a bit, I remembered I have a lot going on, as usual. It’s interesting how often I forget how I react to stress, because of my traumas, and instead shame myself a weakling for the struggle.
I’ve been wanting to drink a whole bunch lately; since our week in Orlando. Laying by the pool and watching other people sip tiny buckets of rum felt almost slighting. Maybe questioning sobriety and vacations where tiny umbrellas are a sign of fun don’t mix. I found myself justifying all the reasons it’s probably okay now. I noticed myself having tiny internal tantrums, wondering why I can’t have one, and wishing I was “normal.”
That thought has not crossed my mind since my early years of sobriety – before “normal” sounded trite and boring. At some point, life without beer goggles gave me a more accurate picture of who I was. A life without booze gave me the chance to learn how to quiet the noise in my mind, sit in active reflection of who I want that to be, and the ability to take the action necessary to become more like her. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being willing to trade a limb for the perks of “normal,” and decided I deserved more — was worthy of more than “normal” has to offer.
“Be better than normal,” became the mantra I replayed in my mind as memory of the days it just wasn’t that simple faded away. I set out to be braver and more outspoken than “normal” would ever allow for. I stepped out from under its limiting beliefs, reached further, and forged the revolution I only wished for during dark days where being free from alcohol didn’t mean Depression and Anxiety couldn’t find me. Not only did I begin to benefit from the ripples of action taken to become the woman I’ve always wished I could be, I became her.
I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I am almost exactly who I’ve always wanted to be. My life is beyond any wild dream I could have ever had 20 years ago, before I considered sobriety.
So, naturally I’d be willing to flush all that shit down the toilet to drink again…