The Top 10 Reasons I’m Probably Not Having Sex Tonight
I don’t usually make my sex life public, but it has come to my attention that it’s a thing people talk about. So, while many people might want to talk about all the sex they are having, I’d like to take a moment to address the top ten reasons I’m probably going to say, “Not tonight.”
Here you have it…
THE TOP 10 REASONS I’M PROBABLY NOT HAVING SEX TONIGHT
1. I’m tired.
DUH. After chasing kids all day or just spending twenty minutes in my own head, I’m fricken exhausted. One of my husband’s standard seduction tricks is giving me a “massage,” and I literally can’t remember the last time I didn’t fall asleep before the, “big move.”
2. I find it difficult to feel sexy when I’m hairier than my husband.
Let’s just say I’m camera ready for a “bow-chicka-bow-now” 70s-style porn video, with the option of super-cheesy storyline.”Did someone order a pizza?”
Nope, sorry I’m too tired to answer the door to accept the delivery, never mind give (or take) a tip. When the hell did my bikini line travel half way down my thighs? Nobody knows.
3. My husband said something stupid and/or insensitive a month ago and I’ve just remembered.
There is no statute of limitations on insensitive comments, and I reserve the right to decide, right before bed, that I’m not completely over it.
4. My husband and I haven’t had the chance to have a two hour conversation* about my feelings regarding the stupid and/or insensitive thing he said last month.
I have a lot of feelings. They change often, and I reserve the right to revisit all the things at any time.
*For the record, my husband’s willingness to endure these torturous chats often results in actual sex.
6. I just showered.
I’m clean! I’m finally clean! Do you really think I want to get all dirty again?
7. It’s very probable I have to poop.
Constipation is my life. I’m pretty much gassy and bloated all the time, and although that may sound super sexy, it’s not.
8. I may or may not have a urinary tract infection.
9. Personal space is never overrated.
I spend A LOT of time having my space invaded by other people. My kids often mistake me for a jungle gym, trampoline, and great place to wipe boogers and sticky things. Some nights, after the kids go to bed and I regain ownership of my body, I don’t feel like sharing it.
10. We just had sex yesterday.
What the hell do you think this is?